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THE REASON:
TO EXPLORE THE POSSIBILITY OF UNDERSTANDING A WOMAN
Just a Thought...
Why did God make a female think differently from a male?
Why did God make a female cardinal look different from a male cardinal?
Why do some females want to be males, and some males want to be females?
You got me!
…Why are women so hard to figure out? Are they really that complex?
...Do women and men think differently?
...Is it clever to marry in order to understand female dynamics?
…Do you have to understand your wife to benefit from all marriage has to offer?
A woman, who can know her wonders? Rephrasing the question, “What in the world is that woman thinking?” Hands down, the winner of the most complex creature God has placed on this earth; is a woman. Trying to second guess a female, to many males, has worse odds than throwing a seven at the crap table. The advantage gambling has over figuring out a woman is at the roulette table you know immediately how much you have won or lost. With a woman you never know exactly where you stand. A male maybe thinking everything is going well and suddenly receives an ultimatum to correct this or that behavior or I’m going to divorce you. Way too much instability for many men to handle!
One of the tools successful females use to their advantage is unpredictability. Keeping the male off balance gives an edge to eventually getting her way. She comes at a mate from different directions, seldom using the same logic to win an argument. This tactic is very affective with an inexperienced male wanting to please a wife at all costs. She ends up getting something a husband absolutely does not want. When he gets home he says to himself, “Why did I do that; that was stupid.” Some men come to a conclusion that in marriage the riddle of mysterious female behavior will be solved; of course, it is not.
Second marriages have explored better comprehension as a springboard for another offering to find “a meeting of the minds.” I have heard this rational time after time while listening to another broken male spirit, “My former wife was so difficult, I want to see if all women are the same,” is a familiar explanation from re-cycled husbands. Seeking to unravel the unfamiliar aspects of a woman is a step in the right direction. The most encouraging backlash of the women’s movement has been for men to realize a need for a movement of their own. A sea of men have tuned to personal over financial growth as the answer to a richer life. The payoff is slowing down a hectic pace to incorporate a time for spiritual and psychological enrichment. Second marriages can offer a fresh opportunity for a couple to better understand each other through conversation and explanation to produce insight.
“Why are women so hard to get along with?” my partner said for many years. The answer is; “Women aren’t that hard to get along with.” The question should be, “Why haven’t the majority of men figured out how to get along with them?” Men have conquered computer languages, golf swings, race-car engines and stock market fluctuations; so complexities are not the problem. If a male invested as much time problem solving with a woman as he spent sitting in front of a television set watching football, marriage would have more of a chance to succeed.. The dividend would be a much smoother relationship for both parties.
Since the female focus is so different from a male, it causes a man to wonder what is really important to a woman? The sooner a man understands a woman’s priorities the better. A core for every woman is taking care of the physical presence: hair, face, nails, feet, diet and clothing are at the top of the list; interference is a certain cause for an unpleasant tongue-lashing. The time and money alone are enough to frustrate any male. The multi-billion dollar beauty industry is ever present;
demand for to be more attractive is ever increasing. More and more procedures that keep the female attractive catapult on the market every year. With each new innovation comes another part to the body that requires more time. This merry-go-round of beauty and clothing shops is exasperating to the male population. It’s not unusual for a woman to spend four to six hours each week in a habitat for beautification. Now, health spas are a growing opportunity to partake in “female pampering.” Health clubs are over-flowing with females. This does not touch the time spent at home in hair and make-up preparation before they enter the outside world. Now women comb their hair and put on make-up while driving to work. “When is enough; a enough,” says the male.
The physical side of a woman is just one part that receives attention. The home must be fit into the schedule of priorities. “Making a nest” properly is an obsession for many females. Furniture, draperies, carpets, lamps, kitchen appliances all require money to buy and maintain (not to be overlooked is the pillow on the couch merry-go-round every a six months). Having several sets of dishes and silverware are as common as owning twenty-five pair of shoes (the right color for the dress). Making the home an attractive environment is part of a woman’s sense of being. A male must allow his wife time, money, and enough freedom to cultivate individuality. Without an understanding of a woman’s cerebral make-up, constant conflict of priorities will be the outcome. Upset men lead to frustrated females that lead to battles that lead to unhappiness that lead to unnecessary divorces. Appreciating a female‘s uniqueness, not making fun of it, leads to a give and take marriage with normal conflict.
THE ROLE PLAYER: JOE
Joe is a fellow I met in my first year of being single after a ten-year marriage. I was thirty-one, in between marriages, Joe had just turned thirty-five. To pinpoint it precisely, he was the very first single I met on the road to recovery after being broadside by divorce. I was a wreck, the train stopped at my terminal but I was not able to pull myself up her steps; I was physically unable to perform. Joe became my mentor. I fell for his compassion for the afflicted. Joe was already traveling on the road I was about to embark. He had been married twelve years: his wife had an affair. He knew where I was coming from; I didn’t know where I was going. He and I became mental partners. Joe was a personality extraordinary; a big fellow, about six-foot, two-hundred-fifty pounds. He was out of shape with no intention of finding the correct calorie count. He prescribed to the “no diet method plan.” Not a handsome man by any stretch of the imagination. He had lingering, penetrating scars of teenage acne. The scars left deep indentations on a once slick face; the divorce, deep scars on a once robust psyche.
He and I were a team. I asked the question; he provided the answer. I simply needed answers. I didn’t care if they were correct, just answers were good enough. I desperately wanted explanations after striking out. I told myself I was a three-hundred hitter, striking out didn’t fit my batting average - maybe it did? Joe had a shingle hanging on his heart, “Free-female therapy available.” He had “truck-loads” of takers for two reasons; one: it was free, two: it was therapy. This was the ultimate combination for single folks. Singles flock to take advantage of anything that‘s free and easily accessible. Joe fit the bill on both counts. He would spend hours dispensing guidance on almost any topic, except technology - he hated new technology. Joe said, “I’ll take the old stuff, it was good enough for Dad, it’s good enough for me. Those brand-new computer boxes are too complicated to be any good.” He was funny that way. His excellent verbal and writing skills along with a voluminous reading appetite complimented a quick moving brain. He had a magical attractiveness that matched the movie portrayal of the character, “The Great Waldo Pepper.” He was a winner!
His relentless pursuit of knowledge of the species took him into the unknown. He was very smart. He dated women of all types and sizes. He enjoyed a variety of women since gleaming from every walk of life was his style. He wasn’t too choosy about casual dates, but very discriminate with the special gals. A “special gal” was one he took to meet the guys. He had many “special gals.” He turned them over like flap-jacks on a crisp, outdoor morning fishing trip - quickly. He believed women were unable to supply most of a male’s needs, so multiple gals were the solution to a complete package. He had a gal for movie appreciation, Saturday afternoon antique hunting, casual dining, mini-vacations, discussion groups, innovative sex, and an evening of cooking at home (just to mention a few). He had the ability to find gals to meet every conceivable male desire. He wrote the book on dating. His credibility lies in a vast array of gals who became a part of his diary. He delighted in penning notes on each and every gal in his company for the evening. Everyone knew Joe had the “right” to dispense knowledge based on experience. He gladly fished out many a soul from the drainage ditch of life.
Joe’s ultimate desire was to live in peace and harmony with a woman. He performed every mental gymnastic exercise possible to make this dream reality. His plan for a successful re-marriage was developed over the first several years of single life. To anyone who hasn’t experienced this event - it’s draining. Dating takes enormous amounts of energy and patience. Joe had what it takes to hang on to what he believed possible; the ultimate understanding of a one woman; this was karma. When the light came on, the pair moved to exchange vows. He tried on many women to find that “right fit.”
Joe began to move through the mate selection process with preciseness. Since it was a task made for adventurers, he pursued as many women as possible to locate the “chosen one.” He dated at least three at a time with three more possible candidates in mind. He weeded out the smokers (no care for health), the over-weight (no discipline), the atheist (no higher-power image), the childless (no real life experience), the flashy (no depth), the materialistic (too expensive) and the under-educated (no desire for self-improvement). How he arrived at criteria is a masterful art. He had flow charts as well as list of pluses and minuses for each gal. It became a new science. He was the inventor, integrator, and instructor. His blue print for success became well know in his circle of friends (which was vast). Joe believed somewhere in this mass of humanity one woman would float to the surface as a mate. One did!
Joe hit pay dirt with Missy. She was a terrific woman with all the credentials. Missy was a pretty gal, (not flashy), well educated, non-smoker, one daughter twenty-one out on her own, a minimum need for material trappings, and a fine figure kept up by weekly exercise. He was thrilled beyond words to find Missy. He quickly stopped the dating cycle of three to devote the time to cultivate the relationship. He had been on a whirlwind trip through the dating game for more than five years. He had embraced a glut of women before Missy. She was the one to bring all of his knowledge into play. I was so happy for Joe. I told everybody the minister should be called. They said, “Hold the wedding presents.” I said, “This is the woman he’s been looking for a long time.” We were both right!
Missy had several other features that received a check mark on his “must list.” She was a psychotherapist in private practice with a very busy schedule. She had accumulated a solid portfolio of investments and savings much to his liking. Her divorce settlement produced a very nice home with a small remaining mortgage. She kept up her modest home very well since money was readily available to blend repairs with improvements. She had a quick wit and looked very trim in a two-piece swimsuit. The package was as close as he had come to the perfect woman for a second chance at matrimony. With all these assets there had to be some question marks in package. “There was just a couple,” he said. “Just a few” rang my bell. What was the problem?
She has it “put to together,” was Joe’s next remark. “What do you mean?” I replied. “Missy has all she needs, except a man to share life. Where do I fit into the package?” he pondered. “Find a way,” I said. “She won’t last long out there in the single world with all this going for her. Somebody will commit to her if you don’t,” he agreed. “Missy wants to get married again since her daughter is attending college and finances are back in order. She’s a gal that knows what she wants and she wants me. That’s the problem, I can’t commit,” came from his lips with a stutter. He couldn’t. It wasn’t that his mate list was so long, the real problem is commitment. He couldn’t do it, even after therapy. The relationship ended when she said, “Are you going to marry me or not?” He couldn’t do it. It ended!
Joe re-instigated his dating cycle after about four months. He never got it going again. He is now approaching sixty-five, alone and in ill health. Lonely for Missy! Yes, she found another fella to commit the next year. For this gal, getting life in order came first, then re-marriage.
Many story-followers would find Joe’s ending a bit on the sad side; shed no tears. He realized unraveling the mysteries of a female was worth the trip. For him, he couldn’t re-commit to another woman after the first betrayal. The journey starts with understanding yourself, then the female, in that order. Decide if marriage is needed to complete your dream. For Joe, being single was best. He devoted is life to helping others and frolicking with the grand-kids. He did an excellent job with both. Joe truly understood the female species by understanding himself. Quite a lucky fellow! I am proud to call him a friend.
THE RESPONSE:
The sheer power of desire to better understand a mate is contagious. Make certain it is a two way street. If I were a female looking for husband, I would definitely look for male who wants to know “Why women behave the way they do.” If a girlfriend ignores the rationale behind her man’s behavior until after the marriage ceremony, a major set-back can immediately separate the couple.
Questions to ponder:
Why are women so hard to figure out? Are they really that complex?
A man uses his own rationale to lie beside his wife’s. He is looking for a straight and narrow set of railroad tracks. When he observes no match, panic sets in. A road-block look like dead-end to a male. Their eyeglasses are adjusted to twenty-twenty vision for rationale, logic and sequential thinking. The difficulty is a female has the same twenty-twenty vision but entirely different eyeglasses. The complexity of the female make-up deserves the attention of every male to feel kinder and more loving as years are added. They are complex; but so is the stock market.
...Do women and men think differently?
The real question is: When do they think the same and when do they think differently? Women have a broader sensory mechanism. They see more than men see looking at the same scenario. Men are prone to be nearsighted (not seeing far away well); women have better “in-sight” without corrected vision. They are more multi-task orientated than men. Women have had to take care of men and children while slipping in their own wants as time permits. Quite an advantage!
...Is it clever to marry in order to understand female dynamics?
When a male decides this is a priority, it shows willingness to change. He usually makes a much better husband than those who refuse to look at female behavior. Women, do not be alarmed when a man asks, “Why are you doing this or that.” That male is want to be with you for the long haul.
…Do you have to understand your wife to benefit from all marriage has to offer?
Without knowing the reason behind your wife’s behavior, resentment and anger creep in to strangle many potential happy moments.
THE REASON:
TO RESCUE A MAN FROM HIMSELF…
Just a Thought...
Gee, I used to have plenty of time to enjoy playing golf on the weekend.
I can remember when I took my fishing boat out of the lake after work.
Now, my wife calls to see what time I’m coming home to cut the grass,
take the kids to the park, grill those steaks, or let her go shopping.
The last time she called to tell me we were overdrawn at the bank.
Oh, it really doesn’t matter, I love that girl. I guess I’d do most anything for her. I think?
Questions to Ponder:
…Why does a female see marriage as deliverance and a male as hostage taking?
...Does a male really need a female to come to his rescue?
...Is it really possible that the male sees himself rescuing the female?
…Do men understand the escalating cost of having a wife do for him what can be done by others?
The philosophy that a man needs a woman to supply him with purpose in life is as old as life itself. An overwhelming desire to rescue a man from himself is an all-powerful urge that plagues a female to cry out, “If only my boyfriend will marry me, then I can salvage his miserable life. After all, I know what is best for him. Why can’t this fellow see the light?” Do these lines sound familiar to you? This rational is a cause for a female to launch into the sea of marriage in search of a man to save. Why women believe they can change a man’s life for the better is a female phenomenon from the depths of their psyche. After witnessing women cry their eyes out while relating a story of an attempted conversion gone astray, I feel sick inside. “If only he had listened to me, then our marriage would have succeeded, utters the loosing female. The reasoning behind this thinking has roots in ages past. This supposition must be re-examined in light of the failure rate among the best men exchanging wedding vows. If women can change men for the better, why so many men refusing to heed the call for a better self?
It is true most women can clean up a man’s apartment, wash his clothes, organize his personal life, buy the newest furniture and arrange his closet so he can find those lost pairs of socks, but there’s more to change than external paraphernalia. Never question the ability of a woman to get man’s life in order. The majority of women will do everything a man either refuses to do or waits until absolutely necessary before rectifying. For most men, females put an attempt at neatness and cleanliness to shame. There is however, a small but growing male population that will out-perform women for style, taste, and organization. Even with compulsiveness hanging over their heads, the majority of women can outdo male tidiness by a mile. I’ll take a female any day to give me the best in home life.
For the male the price of deliverance is change. He’ll have to start picking up his clothes, going to bed earlier, improving his eating habits, modifying his “slang” vocabulary and attend those long, drawn out family “get-togethers.” Requests by the female to modify behavior in the name of redemption is an attempt to coerce the male to act as she wishes. She wants him to be neat, clean, orderly, punctual, and especially presentable in the company of her mother and father. Many men are slow to change since their mothers have taken care of most personal needs from birth. Men see women as continuing their mother’s responsibilities when it comes to chores around the house. The longer a man remains single, the better his efforts at keeping his part of the world respectable while making a constructive contribution to his home.
Changing the course of men’s gosh-awful behavior is another story. A man who drinks too much, depends on drugs, need too much sex, overspends, and is generally irresponsible makes marriage a strenuous proposition. Using marriage as a vehicle for a male to eradicate all his dangerous habits is risky business. Being a wife is not synonymous with being a psychotherapist. What men call bad habits are usually poor attempts at finding their identity or means of eradicating individual pain. Converting a woman abuser, an inherently lazy man, a spendthrift or a woman-chaser is full time work. Conversion is not a five-minute lecture from a wife while she’s preparing dinner. Attempting to rescue a male from himself is a bitter experience for a female.
THE ROLE PLAYER: BOBBI
Bobbi’s young life was picture perfect. Her parents were from “Money.” Bobbi’s father was a very successful woman’s clothing salesman. They lived a life of leisure in New York City with all the conveniences money could buy. Bobbi was the only offspring; consequently all the attention was bestowed on this precious child. As fate would have it, all her aunts and uncles omitted children from their priorities, so Bobbi had center stage for the entire family. She knew her role well. Her mother spent many hours boosting Bobbi’s vocabulary and etiquette and nurturing extra English assignments from a private tutor. All the best resources were Bobbi’s to use as needed. Mother and Father were proud of Bobbi.
A melancholy temperament produced an easy-living child. Instruction and formulations produced an adaptive child. Bobbi was popular at school. Friendships came easily. Her classmates gravitated to Bobbi’s desk for a touch of inspiration or a feeling of ecstasy depending upon the child’s sex. This young lady had it going her way from day one. All the family remarked, “She will marry well to a handsome fellow.” Bobbi’s instructors encouraged her creativity in art and theater. Innate talent was just as much a part of Bobbi as her contagious smile. Her Father wanted Bobbi to channel her natural gifts into business, not “girl stuff” as other young lasses. Bobbi obliged her father’s wishes and excelled in mathematics as well as high school drama. This well-groomed, attractive teenager emerged from high school with a wide open door to collegiate opportunity.
While Bobbi’s classmates fled to out-of-state universities, her choice was upstate New York. Her freshman year was very uneventful except for an occasional homesick phone call during those trying exam days. The sophomore blues came Bobbi’s way with a thud. Doubt brought fatigue and required home visits on weekends to support her sagging determination. Mom and Dad propped her up and sent her back her back with love and attention. The treatment was enough to allow Bobbi to finish the year before a welcome summer break. Bobbi cam home to relax and be with friends. She had no idea it was to be the last year for college. This bright, inspiring student was headed into the marriage arena.
Romance struck Bobbi that summer when an expected gentleman came into her life. A handsome, up-and-coming young man with an impeccable background spun Bobbi’s head around with resounding speed. They hit it off immediately and were inseparable by summer’s end. Bobbi made a quick decision not to return to college for fear of loosing her beau named Peter to another willing female. He was an honors college graduate with promising career plans. Peter was from Boersch, France, a quaint wine country village that oozed with romanticism. Peter was a dashing young man as handsome as you can imagine a fellow from France being. He was suave, very suave to be exact. Peter was on his way up and Bobbi wanted him to take her with him. She closed the deal with a simple wedding ceremony before they caught the plane to begin a telecommunications career in Europe. The couple’s honeymoon was a short stay at the Palace Hotel overlooking Lake Lucerne in Switzerland. Bobbi’s married life had taken flight.
Bobbi’s parents were in total shock! How could this happen to our daughter? How could everything we planned for her disappear? No one knew! The family simply wrote it off to “love at first sight” – whatever that was! Confusion erupted as Bobbi’s folks tried to be cheerful for their only child. It was too much for anyone to accept, let alone a parent. Time would be the only savior for this couple. Bobbi’s parents were broken hearted. They had every reason to be.
The couple’s decision to marry so quickly shifted Bobbi’s career plans to neutral. She found herself in unfamiliar territory, unable to speak the language and missing her parents that loved her dearly. Phone calls were not enough to soothe the pain. Peter was off marketing an upstart telephone, Internet Company throughout Europe. He would call from regions in Italy, Germany, Luxemburg, Belgium, and Holland. They occasionally met for weekend in Amsterdam to share a moment of happiness. Love was strong, but lonely for the newlyweds. Bobbi’s solitude for long periods of time was debilitating. Ever present bouts of depression became a visitor to Bobbi. She pleaded with Peter to share more time with her, but to no avail. Peter had made an impact in his newfound career. He made a dent all right – in his marriage. The marital trench became of crash site as time progressed.
The couple’s brief time dating revealed Peter’s unconventional life style. He drank too many six-packs of beer while smoking too many packs of cigarettes. Bobbi decided it was time to rescue Peter from his unsightly apartment life of eating pizza and drinking cold beer. Peter legitimized his behavior as “just years of single life.” He left dirty clothes, ashtrays and empty beer cans for Bobbi to collect. The smell brought nausea to Bobbi’s stomach; a collision was approaching. The idea of personal renovation sounded great to Peter but he gave little thought to how the dialogue would affect his fragile ego. Peter was too touchy for Bobbi’s upheaval in his lifestyle. Bobbi was convinced a good taste of loving care would ease Peter into better habits and reduce his drinking late into the night. Bobbi’s thinking was clear; revisions had to be made.
After almost a year of constant travel, Peter was given a month to be at home with his wife. Bobbi was ecstatic! Peter was exhausted from a grinding routine with little sleep and too much drinking. Peter came home to an immaculate residence. Everything was in its place. The smell of furniture polish seeped into everything that even looked like wood. Mirrors jumped to attention with the slight look. Closets were in strictest order. Peter could not believe his eyes. He had never seen anything like this before. His Mother kept a neat home, but nothing compared with this one. “Let me be,” he demanded. All this unfamiliar pressure to be as neat as a pin was unbearable for Peter.
One evening while Peter was drinking heavily, an argument broke out with Bobbi over her compulsiveness. Peter struck Bobbi with his hand, not once, but many times. She ended up at a nearby hospital with a concussion, a severely bruised face, and a lacerated kidney. Bobbi hospital stay lasted a little over ten days before the doctor allowed her to come home. No charges were filed. The marriage was too inexperienced to handle an outbreak such as this. Bobbi packed her suitcase and Peter bought the airline ticket home. Neither Peter nor Bobbi could stop the event. Saying you’re sorry was - too late. The marriage was severed for good. Peter knew his conduct could not be tolerated. His promise never to strike her again was unrealistic. Peter remained in Switzerland, while Bobbi took up residence with her parents in New York City.
The changes Peter had to make were too many, too quickly. The adjustments for Bobbi were too foreign, too frightening and too unfamiliar for her to undertake. Being abused by her husband was an unpardonable sin to her parents. Mother and Father started the divorce proceedings for their daughter that ended months later. Bobbi is now almost forty with no sign of another man entering her life. She made a decision to change a man – the result was disastrous. The pain from the experience was too severe to try marriage one more time.
Bobbi still lives with Mother. Her father died several years ago. Bobbi resumed a college education while heading for a career in publishing. She has worked for a women’s magazine for her entire career while happiness has come from family without the aid of a partner. She appears in tact, but has been encouraged by therapy after divorcing Peter. She believes a therapist is essential to her while Prozac controls depression.
Peter has never been heard from again. I have often wondered where he is and if any portions if life have changed. Maybe it’s better I don’t know.
THE RESPONSE:
Lifeguards deliver life preservers better than wives.
Bobbi had clear intentions to change Peter behavior to become more acceptable to her and her family. Peter was not ready for restructuring by his wife. The proper time and purpose are always needed to bring miraculous change – even by God.
Answers to Ponder:
Why does a female see marriage as deliverance and a male as hostage taking?
Since males see marriage from one angle and the female from another, this is the result. The one who, rescues and the one who is rescued are at opposites. One believes their role should receive the continual praise while the other should be forever grateful. The trade agreement is not officially recognized in the relationship. The sooner the couple is willing to acknowledge that both are vital to a growing partnership, the better the potential for a long lasting relationship.
Does a male really need a female to come to his rescue?
A male who chooses marriage over single life will see a need for the female touch. Rescue is not his vision, but the female’s perception. If a male is caught in a downward spiral, then a partner will share guilt, vice, and finances as part of the mating game. If the male is doing well financially, then the motive for marriage is to find a woman to do manual chores so more of the same can be accomplished. Healthy men do not add a wife primarily for encouragement but duty.
Is it really possible that the male sees himself rescuing the female?
Universally, males are the ones that know they will eventually be responsible for taking care of the wife and family. If their wife is gainfully employed, then a mutual investment becomes the rescue part to enjoy more of what this world has to offer. Only needy males are dependent for long on the wife.
Do men understand the escalating cost of having a wife do for him what can be done by others?
Men really do not understand the escalating costs of building a family. Men somehow believe a wife will wait until the money is in the bank before wanting to add this and that to the house. Once the male realizes that demands will comes sooner than later, then and only then, does he realize the pressure is on to provide whatever is needed to make his wife happy.
THE REASON:
UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS…
Just a Thought...
My wife assumes I will be rich…maybe I won’t?
My husband believes I will always be pretty…maybe I won’t?
My children “want” what they “want” when they “want” it…maybe the money isn’t there?
Credit is easy to get,” just say charge it”…maybe we can’t pay it back?
What’s wrong with you, everybody buys things they can’t afford!
You do love me, don’t you honey?
Questions to Ponder:
…Have we completely given up the marriage vow “for richer or poorer?
...What if one mate is a “spender” and the other is a “saver?”
...Do we tell our mates ”I love you” when we really mean “I love you…today?”
…Do we really predict our marriage’s future beyond what is realistic?
…What happens when a couple finds demands beyond what can they can deliver?
…Does marriage guarantee happiness? Security?
The supposition that marriage will produce what the heart envisions is the basis of the mating process. The heart, our eye of expectation, keeps one’s sight peeled upon the ultimate goal of “bliss” through the institution of marriage. Our society has evolved into whatever we want can and will be attained in our lifetime. What has changed is the speed of accomplishment. The definition of a lifetime has been dramatically shortened. Men and women choose marriage as a vehicle to accelerate the attainment of goods and services to enjoy on a daily basis. The free enterprise system opens the door to accumulation of wealth with space age vision. The fervor of companionship sells us on the notion that two can enjoy this wealth of opportunity faster than one. Our passions accelerate, mental faculties disengage, “love” sees the beauty of it all, and the birth of “the promised land” is now our center of reality. Simple expectations of sharing time, kisses from heaven, and the easy life immediately explode into new homes with breathtaking views, automobiles that produce envy, and clothing worm by beautiful fashion models of the day. Who can say, “No” to the wonders that love produces; certainly not mortals!
Our assumptions for marriage are plentiful. For those who have this picture of irrefutability, they move from cradle to adulthood with the belief system that someone will produce this “earthly happiness” for us or with us. It is easily transfixed into our hopes and dreams that this person will appear sometime in our youth or early adulthood; this person will be recognized by the heart (our seat of emotions). He or she will captivate our minds, our souls, our thoughts, our desires, our passions, our very being for a period of time. We will know “this is the one” because our thoughts our fixated upon this creature the gods have sent us. I have heard testimony over and over again from the lips of those who move and have their being by emotions, that this is the truth. They knew this person was “the one.” I have also heard over and over again from the lips of those who have chosen the avenue of divorce as a means to justify the end, that they now know this was a mistake. How can the heart be so right, then be so wrong? The heart seems to betray us when we most desperately need “her” to guide us through the shadows of love’s gate.
What do we expect marriage to do for us? What do we expect marriage to give us? What do we expect marriage to ultimately be? These questions, and more, are sealed in the passion we label “love.” Love is “not blind” as the saying goes. Love sees very clearly. Love needs only a person to engage its modus operandi with the force of a hurricane. I have heard many say, “I fell in love last night.” Indeed they did! What happened was the power of this emotion called love was tapped unleashing our dream world that began in childhood and has continued on to this very day. Love is a continuing saga of the world “according to us.” This world is as real as Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy. Reality remains until the “will” takes over to produce what is real. For some, this transition comes almost immediately after the honeymoon, for others later, for most, sooner than later. Marriage is a mixture of hopes and dreams, mommy and daddy’s love, a world of motion picture fantasy, creative incubation, and us. Love is as real as we want to make it, glorious or dismal as it unravels its hidden coil. What we expect marriage to do must be switched to what can this marriage be for my “love and I.”
How well do we predict what marriage has in store for us? Ultimately, not very well is the answer. We cannot foresee beyond now. Accidents do and will happen to change the course of marital tide. People change as the time clock of age ticks each second of precious life. The world of the unforeseen brings challenges to be conquered by couples that will accept the potential for long-term companionship.
How would a couple, an individual know when the expectations for marriage are unrealistic? The universal questions to ask are: “How soon do I expect this dream to come true; What is my share in attaining this dream; Am I willing to pay the price at all cost; and What parts of this dream are beyond my expectations?” Honest answers will and do change the happiness level for couples willing to be “right-mined” in the magnificent arms of marriage.
THE ROLE PLAYER: TONI…
Toni is forever “happy-go-lucky.” She laughs and smiles throughout the events of the day. This gal’s energy level is contagious. I always feel “a charging of my battery” in Toni’s presence. Toni is vivacious, delightful, jumping for joy, and chirpy whenever I am with her, whether with children and husband or alone. She is petite, a small version of Shirley Maclaine. Bright eyed with an unusual laugh. Toni’s laugh is half smile and half giddy energy release. I have known her for over twenty-five years. She knows what she wants…and gets it. Toni’s determination is unrelenting. She will find a way to do what she feels is necessary to find personal happiness. So far, she has been an astounding success.
Toni’s mother is beautiful... father-a-go-getter. Mom has unrelenting energy to heighten a well-built body and quick mind. Mom sets the pace in the family even though Dad has a powerful presence. Dad is passive in family affairs; Mom runs the house with precision. Mom raised the children to seek personal goals first; then incorporate others into the flow. Mom believed the woman ruled in the relationship. Men were to earn a good living while the woman takes care of the home and the children in it. Children were an essential part of being a woman. Children gave a woman identity in society.
Mom worked outside the home for a fortune 500 company. She was excellent in the role of task orientation. Mom pleased her boss with follow-through, organization, and assertiveness with subordinates as well as executives. She knew her place in the corporation and performed with brilliance. Work was not play. Mom kept her boundaries at the office. The executives could look all they wanted but no messing with this gal. She was purely decoration for a corporate office environment. Mom was faithful to her husband. Mom said, “It was the right thing to do.”
Toni’s father was a self-made-man. He started and eventually sold several businesses to produce solid investments for his portfolio. After thirty-five years in business, he had provided a stylish home on a sizable piece of prime real estate, late model automobiles for the entire family, and family vacations to resorts throughout the U.S. and Canada. Toni knew, first hand, the feel of success, the touch of riches.
Toni had a good head on her shoulders. Dad sent her away to college to study whatever caught her fancy. Toni majored in finding a husband to fulfill her dreams of family happiness. Mom knew Toni was not going to work outside the home, so education was just an avenue for finding the right fellow to marry. Somehow Toni managed to finish college without bringing home the man of her dreams. Toni declared, “I will find this man soon.” Sure enough, Toni located the candidate at her first work assignment. Billy was chosen as the candidate to open the door of the world of marriage. In six months Billy found himself at the alter of Toni’s church saying, “I will.” Toni had lassoed her cowboy to ride off into the sunset of “bliss.”
Toni’s dream was very different from Mom’s view of marriage. Toni wanted to be a mother…that’s it. She found a passive fellow who would do what she wanted because decision-making was the woman’s job. Billy was a handsome young man, fresh out of college, ready to “burn up the world” with his brilliance. Billy had savvy for business but not females. He told Toni, “We’ll be happy with a little home in the woods, a pick-up truck, and a child to play baseball with on Saturday morning…it will be great!” That was not Toni’s vision of “bliss.” Toni wanted children, not a child. She left that out of the formula for Billy’s dream romance.
Billy soon found his home included a bright addition in bedroom number two, a beautiful 8lb. baby boy. Toni said, “This is great, now we are a family.” Billy knew one was not enough when Toni announced child number two was on the way. Billy put his shoulder to the grindstone to produce more income to match the demands of a growing family. Child number three sparked a quiet Billy to question the number of children Toni wanted to find motherhood satisfying. Well, he found out when child number four filled Toni’s growing tummy. Billy now has four youngsters age one, three, five, and eight. They now have a four-bedroom home nestled in a scenic neighbor so Toni can walk the children and go to the park for daily exercise. Toni would not do anything to stop her body’s child producing mechanism, so Billy had a vasectomy to end the flow. Toni spends her day with children responsibilities; Billy works two jobs to keep the family afloat.
The ten-year marriage has produced children for Toni and work for Billy. Billy has a regular full time position and a part-time job that keeps his nose to the grindstone. He averages seventy hours of week at gainful employment, then yard duty, and church on Sunday. He has time play baseball with his eight year-old at the park on Tuesday evenings, and listen to his others ask, “When are you going to take me the park and play?” Toni still laughs and smiles, just like always, but Billy isn’t smiling any more.
What will happen to this couple? They are prime targets for divorce. Conflict is ever present, financial pressure has peaked, Billy’s body has produced a numbing in his right hand, Toni will not wok outside the home, child number flour has difficulty walking due to a birth defect, and the home looks like a wreck from neglect of housekeeping. Toni tells everybody the marriage is still great. She loves having a house filled with children. Billy is still quiet, but trouble is brewing. How long can Billy hold out before an explosion…only time will tell?
I do believe a dose of reality will not set well with Toni. Mom and Dad are ready to step in to support Toni should Billy decide to exit.
THE RESPONSE:
Unrealistic expectations will shatter dreams of happiness. For many couples the after-effect is too servere to produce harmony in the union. It takes a real dedication from both parties to recover enough for a continuation of marriage. Yes, it can be done, but it is painful to see a life’s dream fade.
…Answers to Ponder:
Have we completely given up the marriage vow “for richer or poorer?
Absolutely! It is past time to delete these words from the marriage ceremony. Since it is no longer our intention to endure this turn of events, we should stop saying “we will.” Personal integrity is damaged when we tell an untruth to our mates from day one of this journey.
What if one mate is a “spender” and the other is a “saver?”
The combination of “spender-saver” has to be understood in order to bring financial boundaries into the relationship. Discussions on how money is to be used must take into consideration each individual’s desire to use family income appropriately. Paychecks can be used for personal need if the couple can agree on the goal of financial recognition for family expenses. Saving and spending are now vital aspects of economical well being.
Do we tell our mates ”I love you” when we really mean “I love you…today?”
Since the ability to love forever is far past our senses, recognition of our limits is essential to marriage. If we believe love is forever then permanent psychological damage occurs when that party leaves our love zone for another. You and I have seen countless individuals suffer as they continue to love a divorce mate. Those singular souls are in jeopardy of lifetime mental anguish.
Do we really predict our marriage’s future beyond what is realistic?
Our culture measures success or failure in marriage by materialism. For marriage to be enjoyed, the couple must evaluate the relationship upon a variety of aspects. Some of those vital ingredients for emotional stability are: honesty, integrity, shared responsibilities, understanding, psychological and emotional depth, character, and recognition of a higher power. When an evaluation report is run on marital satisfaction, a full spectrum of personal characteristics must be included in order to validate the results. As many enduring couples have discovered “being there” through the good times and the bad brings closeness that only time-honored relationships enjoy. Frankly, almost anyone can enjoy prosperity.
What happens when a couple finds demands beyond what can they can deliver?
It has been my experience that a third party must sort out these demands in order to have the couple move on in the relationship. When unrealistic pressure is placed upon the marriage, then one of the parties is out of tune with human limitations.
Does marriage guarantee happiness? Security?
If marriage guaranteed happiness then divorce rates would be at a minimum. As you can see, that is not the case. Security is always an issue for a relationship. That aspect never seems to be satisfied…it is the human side of all of us.